Eighty Two: 2011.

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

Neil Gaiman

You may need a drink if you're reading this, it might help... :)

So yesterday I tried to write this blog, and I found that I couldn't. I tried to review the past year, saying how good it was, but it just didn't happen. So I closed my laptop, put on Being Erica, got out my diary and tried to work out why the past year had been so bad. I'm not seeing it's all been completely bad- I do have several good memories of the past year. It's like in the episode Vincent and the Doctor (Series 5, Episode 10 in case your were wondering), when the Doctor says "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make the unimportant." But basically what it comes to is the fact that it's my fault. I haven't actually admitted to it, because when you're feeling bad the last thing you want to admit to is that it's your fault (unless it's painstakingly obvious, of course). And as a consequence I made bad decision after bad decision and kept trying to make bad relationships work for reasons I still don't understand because they weren't benefiting me or the other people involved. As a consequence of these bad decisions I find it hard to trust people, which is really stupid. There are many lovely, trustworthy people who I know and yet I decide not to trust them, simply because people in the past proved untrustworthy. It's pretty selfish. My brain has sort of come to the conclusion that all the people are the same when it comes to trusting them, which is stupid. Another consequence is that I've become scared of becoming too emotionally attached to people, so instead I distance myself from them. When going to university, I was more worried about losing the people I had in my life than about meeting new people, when it really should have been the other way round. It's awkward, because when I go back, I can't just walk into one of their rooms and say 'Hi, I realise I've been a bit shit these last couple of months and I missed out on the whole 'getting to know you' thing everyone did at the start of last semester because I was worried about losing my best friend, so if you don't mind re-introducing yourself, that'd be lovely. I hear you've got a brother, what's he like?'. Because if I don't appear weird enough already (what with my open love for books, Harry Potter and Doctor Who) that would probably put them off even more. I don't know how to talk to people anyway, and 9 times out of 10 when I open my mouth I generally wish I didn't and if there's too much silence I often say the first thing that comes in to my head. Which is often not good.

So basically a conclusion of this blog post is that I am ridiculous, 2010 has been ridiculous and I'm going to try (though I have no idea where to start) to make 2011 less ridiculous. Despite the somewhat depressing tone of this I'm actually in an alright mood. My sonic screwdriver came in the post today, as did Toy Story 3 on dvd which I watched this evening with my Mum and Peter. Mum cried at the end, like I thought she would. I'm now watching Russell Howard's Good News and afterwards Family Guy, which I haven't watched in a long time, and I've recorded Tim Minchin to watch later, and I suppose at some point they'll have some kind of countdown to the New Year so I'll most likely watch that.

Happy New Year, if you're reading this before midnight. Though I don't know why the time makes any difference...

B xxx :)

Eighty One: Home.

Apologies for neglecting you for so long...at this rate I'll be averaging a blog a month. Uni work has been crazy- in the last two weeks I've had four essays and two exams to do, the last of which was Thursday. Being home is mostly wonderful. I went to see my Nana yesterday for lunch, which was nice, and when I came home I sat down, my Mum made me bangers and mash (which is one of my favourite meals) and later we had pancakes and watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Everyone went to bed and I watched QI and Mock The Week while eating all the Malteser ones out of the box of Celebrations :P
This semester has been...long. The work hasn't been too bad, and I've enjoyed it which I guess makes it easier. I've made bad decisions, I've made good decisions. Such is life. I've appreciated home and my family a lot more but also learnt things I wouldn't have done if I'd not gone to university. I'm fairly certain I made the right choice in both course and university, and my life could be considerably worse. 
It suddenly struck me the other day how I'm going to be 20 in March, meaning I'll no longer be a teenager. It's a bit scary, seeing as I'm far from feeling -or as I'm sure my Mum would argue- acting like an adult. However, me and three other girls from my halls have put down a partial deposit down on a house for next September. I hadn't actually seen the house before yesterday, but they all assured me it was lovely, and on the way back from university we drove past it. They were right, and it's in a nice neighbourhood as well which satisfied my Mum. 
I'm at home now until Tuesday when hopefully (depending on the weather, though apparently Heathrow are prepared) we will be going to Mexico until 6th January. Some of my relatives were meant to be visiting us tomorrow (they've come from Australia) but they're staying in Brighton so I don't think they'll get to us. When I get back I'll have just under a couple of weeks at home before going back, when Semester 2 starts...this year will be over soon.
The Doctor Who Christmas special from 2008 is on, and although it's not one of my favourite episodes, I'm still going to watch it. 
Oh- and Merry Christmas. And have a good New Year. 
B xxx :)

Eighty: Fruit Gums.

"And if you're happy then I'll be happy for you

I hope everything you want it finds you too

But I'm gonna get as far as I can from here.."

As far as I can- Greg Holden

I'm currently eating out of a bag of Rowntree's pick & mix and have just finished eating all the ones that I like and now all that are left are the fruit gums. I don't like fruit gums. Anyway, I'm sure you're all really pleased to know that I have such a healthy lifestyle that I eat sweets for breakfast. I'm usually not bad at eating breakfast, but I can't be arsed to make anything at it being half 11 it's practically  lunch time.
Anyway, apologies for not writing a blog in so long, but university has been happening and stuff has been happening and it's all been a bit argh (at this point if I had it there would be a picture of me looking considerably older, pulling my hair out and walking around with a zimmer frame).
But since I last wrote:
-I got dumped my boyfriend for not having sex with him (yes, this is probably too personal to tell you but I'm past the point of caring).
-Handed in my Victorian Literature essay which I got a 2:1 for. :D
-Went home for Reading Week. Well, I actually went to the Lake District with my family. Which was nice. I actually did a lot of reading, though nothing that I actually needed to read. Picture:
-Signed up to something called The Sketchbook Project, details of which can be found if you click on the link.
-Started NaNoWriMo, which I am now epically behind on.
-Went home last weekend and had Christmas dinner with my family (because we're going to Mexico for Christmas and my Dad's going back to the ship on the 26th and although we'll all be together it won't be the same), relaxed and saw some people I haven't seen in a while.
-Went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One and it was just...I don't know, there aren't really words. I loved it. It was properly scary in places, even though I knew what was going to happen because of reading the book. I almost cried in several places, the first being when Hermione erased the memories of her parents so they'd forget her, when Ron left and when Dobby died (a scene which I think they did beautifully, by the way). No doubt I'll  be going to see it again at some point, and demanding they play part two right afterwards.
University work now seems to dominate my spare time. I have four essays and two exams next month, spread out over two weeks in December and I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in.
Right, should finish getting ready and go and get lunch.
B xxx

Seventy Nine: :)

I am in a good mood. My family is coming to see me on Sunday and we're going out for lunch. It's the weekend at last, though this afternoon my lectures seem to drag on. Television Genre wasn't too bad, we did about reality television so that meant a lot of watching Big Brother. My boyfriend is wonderfully patient, for reasons I don't understand. He does want you all to know he's a sex magnet though...I bought a photo frame and Ludovico Einaudi cd yesterday from a charity shop for £3. Life is good. B xxx :)

Seventy Eight: University.

I meant to write a blog post before I left to come to University, but I found I didn't quite know what to say. It was fairly stressful in the couple of days before I left trying to make sure I had everything (which I've now discovered I didn't) and trying to put it all in the car, which amazingly, we managed. Once I was actually at university, I discovered my room was actually bigger than I thought it was going to be and there was- and still is- a lot of space for my books.
On the whole, I've settled in better than I expected. I was a bit homesick in the first week, which I didn't see coming but I think it was just feeling a bit out of my comfort zone and everything's a bit...here and there in the first week, what with induction stuff and registration and going out. The second night we were there it was the Beach Party, so Lydia and I went to town looking for stuff and I ended up buying black high heels instead...but they are very nice. The Beach Party itself was interesting, they had a surfboard like one of those horses that try to throw you off. Actually managed to stay on for more than a couple of seconds.
Actual degree is...interesting. Good interesting, if not busy. There's a lot to learn in English; my module for this semester's on Victorian Literature and we're doing Jane Eyre (which I actually need to finish reading at some point) which isn't as bad as I thought it would be, although there are some boring bits where no one does anything. Creative Writing is my favourite so far because basically all we do is exercises in which we have to write creatively (as you may have guessed) and I'm learning about things that are helping my writing and imagination. Media is the hardest; one of the modules is on James Bond and so I thought I'd be alright but it's just getting my head round it. My other module for Media is Television Genre, which although I've only had two lectures for so far, is the most interesting. All in all, it's not too stressful though I think that'll change as we get closer to Reading Week.
My housemates are nice. I don't have that much in common with them (they like Twilight, I like Harry Potter) but it works out well enough. There are only 12 of us- the boys are downstairs and the girls are upstairs. Our shower is cleaner than theirs but our kitchen is messier. I'm getting on better with some of the boys, in particular Rob, Alex and Mike (who I'll get on to in a minute) who are all nice (though I do think I should use a better word than nice. Mike suggested awesome, so I'm going to go with that). I don't know what it is, I just find easier to talk to boys than to girls, though there are a couple of girls in my English seminar group who are alright.
I suppose now I should talk about Mike, who when I asked to write something in this blog, only wrote this: "The weeks steadily grew better, mainly when I grew feelings for a housemate.  His name is Mike and he has dreamy blue eyes, soft red lips and hair to die for." Basically, he's my boyfriend.  He wrote a load of stuff about how we got together but it sounded stupid and you probably don't want to know anyway.
On that note, I'm going to go before he can type anything else...
B xxx :)

Seventy Seven: Forgetting Wednesday.

My Mum has been trying to keep me busy this week by doing things I don't really want to do but is a better alternative to moping around the house.

Monday my Mum was ill and I wasn't exactly a happy bunny (I don't understand why people call you that. Regardless of how I'm feeling, I'm still very much not a bunny. I think I'm human. I hope I am...) so we sat outside.
Tuesday we went to Hillier Gardens in Romsey because of my Mum's friend's sculpture thingies are there for a bit.
Wednesday we went to Mottisfont because they had a Beatrix Potter exhibition.
Thursday we went to some Lavender Gardens.
Friday I refused to get out of bed and when I did I sat on the sofa reading We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families ,played on the Wii with my brother, watched The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, fell asleep about 2am.
Today I haven't done anything except go to work, which was the usual.

Last week was lovely except I can't for the life of me remember what I did on Wednesday. I know it was something, but I can't remember what. Anyway, Thursday I went to town shopping and failed at buying anything useful and instead bought Mockingjay. The beginning was the better part of the book, and there were some truly horrific scenes later, but I just didn't feel it was as good as The Hunger Games or Catching Fire. Still a good book, though. Read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy after that, which was good, if a little confusing in places. Friday was bowling with both past and present leaders of the Brockenhurst College Christian Union which was good. Afterwards we went to the Starbucks which is upstairs in what used to be Borders and is now Next Home or something like that. They had lots of pretty things in there that were probably too expensive but I want to take university with me. Speaking of university, tomorrow it's two weeks to go. I'm more nervous now.

I'm going to go now, but before I do, here's a link to my tumblr. I've been posting more things that aren't blogs but are too short to be tweets or something else, such as this one and this one.

Night.

B xxx

Seventy Six: On a more serious note.

"'I wish I'd known you better.' 'I think sir, you know me at my best.'"

The Doctor and Father Octavian, Doctor Who Series 5, Episode 5 'Flesh and Stone'

I was waiting for Friends to come on E4 this morning and wasn't really paying attention to what was happening on the tv (it was Desperate Housewives), when two of the characters had this conversation (I've called them A and B for simplicity's sake):
A: Because it wasn't enough, not compared to what she did for me...she's this amazing woman and I never bothered to get to know her...it would have been nice to do something before she was ashes.
B: That's a lesson we've all got to learn over and over. Appreciate people while we've still got them.

This couldn't have been a more relevant conversation to hear at this moment in time, particularly in light of the untimely passing of Esther . I didn't know Esther personally, like many other Nerdfighters, but she was a very inspirational person, and one I'd wish I'd know better (hence the quote up the top).

At this moment in time I am reminded of the good the internet can do- people, such as my mother, will judge the interent as a bad place where strangers are all paedophiles (I have no idea if I've spelt that right). Yet, when something terrible happens, such as Esther's death, the internet provides a community such as Nerdfighters- full of people who are all kind and offer support and comfort, despite the fact I know none of them. In fact, the majority don't even live in the same country as me.

Inspired by John Green's video of Esther Day, I'm now going to tell people I love them. I know I've already mentioned my family and friends several times in past entries, but I really do need to let several people know how much I appreciate them. However, I think I've done enough of that in blog form, so if I hug you today randomly, don't be surprised.

DFTBA.

B xxx

EDIT: Esther's family have set up the This Star Won't Go Out Foundation, visit it here.